A NEW YEAR

Something about a new year is always a little exciting...clean slate, new plans, resolutions, reflecting on the past year and all that good stuff.  I'm not a resolution type of person, but I do like to re-evaluate my life and our family life and find ways to change things that might need a little tweaking.  I have slowed way down on blogging because well, I just don't have time.  It bums me out, because this is my place to record a small part of our life...kind of like a family journal.  No big commitments for the coming year with blogging, but hey it is the 6th of January and here I am.  YEA!!

I was just telling Andy that I already feel like a new me.  Maybe just for today, haha.  I cleared out my email box to just 5 emails.  This is huge for me.  No, seriously!  Stocked up on tampons before I even started my period.  It's not funny.  I really do usually have to make that late night trip to Target.  Finished up a couple of little projects that were just hanging over my head.  Andy knows.  This is a new me.  

This past year was a huge change for our family.  We started homeschooling!!  I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to blog about it.  I think I was worried that I might fail plus I was just super busy.  I wish I would have blogged now because this has been a big part of our life for the past 4-5 months.  We have all grown and adjusted and I can honestly say I LOVE it.  It is a lot of work!!  We definitely have those bad days, but overall it has been such a good transition for our family life.  Ella loved it from the get go, but it took a while for Julian to warm up to it.  He now tells me he likes being home schooled.  I know I could not have done it without the support and encouragement from those who have walked the road before me.  We have met new friends and we have been able to spend a lot more time with my cousin Yvonne and her kiddos. She has home schooled her 3 kids for the last 5 or 6 years.  She is amazing!! She has seriously held my hand the entire way and I couldn't be more thankful.  We spend every Friday together doing science projects, art, field trips or just exploring out in nature. We are also in a group that has so many little things that has made the transition easier.  Besides getting almost a daily email of encouragement, there are school pictures, park days, and parties which are little things that I was a little bummed about the kids not having when we decided to homeschool.  Homeschooling has forced me to grow as a parent and I feel like overall I am a little more organized...yea!

I am excited to see what this new year brings.  I have been busier with photography, which is great and I love doing it, but I really need to find a good balance.  I think this year I am really going to be focusing on finding that balance for our family.  

I came across these pictures and I think they are fitting for my goals for the new year.  Sometimes it is hard to see any change or growth before your eyes until you step away and look back again.  I was making dinner and saw these clouds and had to take a picture.  I LOVE CLOUDS.  I went back to making dinner and one of the kids called me back to look again at the sky. WOW, the sky was bright orange.  Again I went back to the kitchen and I kept glancing out.  The sky looked like it was on fire.  Amazing!!  

I really want to focus on my parenting and helping my kids thrive and grow.  A lot of the time there is so much repetition and it doesn't feel like any change or progress is being made.  

I am going to be patient.

Here's to a new year!!

a new year!!

hello 2013!

another year has passed right before my eyes.  

i don't know why this makes me a little weepy inside.  did i live this past year to the fullest? probably not, but there is a whole new year before me to live a little more intentionally, so no regrets.

 since it is a new year, i am going to try a couple of new things this year to hopefully help me stretch and grow as a person.  

(i don't really like the word resolution...it just feels like something i am setting myself up to fail at ) 

almost all of my ideas revolve around our family.

i have a little list going on new things i want to implement in our family.  

i'm sure i will touch on those in another post.

then there are a couple of personal...goals i have in mind.

first off, this blog.

i kind of slowed down on blogging last year when summer started because i really wanted to enjoy my time with the kids before they were both in school.  well, summer ended and i thought i was going to have a lot of extra time on my hands with both of them being in school, but it turns out, i kind of feel like i have less time.  i am in each of their classes one morning a week, which i love, and all my other time somehow disappears.  

blogging is a creative outlet for me as well as a place to kind of document and record a little part of our lives.  we take a whole lot of pictures, so this is a perfect place to combine some pictures and thread some words together.

so hopefully i can finally get back into the swing of things.

so here's to a new year!!

Her thankful song

The other night at work, I cared for this amazing patient who was fighting breast cancer and she was having so many complications.  She had the best attitude and she was so thankful for everything.  I wasn't doing anything extraordinary, just my job, but she made me feel like I was.  She asked if she could sing me her thankful song and she just about brought me to tears. There I stood in a sterile hospital room with this beautiful strong woman going through so much pain and suffering singing to me, and I can't even put into words what an amazing gift she gave me.  

I want to spread that same gift to people around me.  Now I can't sing, but I want to show gratitude for anything and everything someone does for me.

  I want to live a life of gratitude because there really is so much to be grateful for.  I am blessed beyond belief and many days I don't live my life with that in mind...I want to.

So here is my list of what I am thankful for.  My list could be endless so here are just a few.

 My husband - we have been together almost half of my life and I can't imagine my life without him. Well most of the time. We drive each other crazy some days but through it all I think our love has grown stronger as we are challenged.  I am thankful for Andy's dedication to our family and working hard everyday to provide for us.  I love the little ways he shows love to the kids and myself.  

My kiddos - some days I sit back and look at my life and I can't believe that I am a mom to a seven and five year old.  I don't feel old enough, but here I am.  They are constantly challenging me to be a better person.  They have brought so much joy and love into our lives.  Almost everyday one of them will draw me a picture or write an 'I love you' note.  I get so many that sometimes I take it for granted, but I am thankful each and every little picture and note these guys make for me. 

My parents- they have been such a consistently good example to me.  They are so generous with their love, time and pretty much anything.  My parents are have shown unconditional love to each of us kids.  

Our home - it keeps us warm, safe and dry.  There are so many things I would love to change about our house, but I am so thankful that we have one and that it's a place for us to make memories in.  

Our health - I come across plenty of people who have serious health problems and I don't ever want to take it for granted.  I don't always take the best care of my body, but I should.  Just took my fish oil vitamin that I always forget to take, ha!

Ella's glasses - So thankful that we found out that Ella needed glasses and that she now has them.  A little more about that here.  So thankful!!

new glasses

a couple of days after your 7th birthday, i remember waiting in your pediatrician's waiting room thinking about what we were going to do after your yearly check-up.
 just one more official day of summer before school started the next day. 

i really needed to go grocery shopping, 

and it was a wednesday which means double the items on sale at sprouts, 

but we had also been invited to swim at some friend's house.

i was pretty sure you didn't need any shots, but i didn't want to to get you excited just in case.  

i remember julian explaining to you how a shot felt as you played with the little toys in the waiting room...'it's just a poke, that's it'.  

after all he was the expert.  

he had just had his appointment and had received three shots.  

he had been so brave and didn't cry until the last shot.  

my mind skipped around as we waited...dinner plans, swimming, shopping...

we were called in and as in previous visits they checked your weight (always on the low end, my little skinny minny.  although you did weigh one pound more than julian this time), 

your vitals (good) and your vision.  

julian directed you where to stand to read the chart because, remember, he was the expert at these yearly physicals.

all routine stuff.  

you were directed by the nurse to read the various lines of letters.  

vision in both eyes fine, left eye great.  

on your right eye, i remember the nurse going line by line to the larger and larger letters 

until you were finally able to read the letters.  

i stood there and starred, completely shocked.  

i looked at you to make sure you were taking this serious and not messing around.  

i can't remember exactly what the nurse said, but you looked at me alarmed.  

i realized that you were completely serious and that you could not see the letters.  

fear and sadness swallowed me. 

 i looked into your eyes and did what every mother does, 

i tried my best to protect you.  

i tried to ease away your fear and concern and whatever feeling of doubt or sadness you were feeling...

i saw it in your eyes.  

i hugged you and smiled.  

you smiled and we walked into the exam room.

after your appointment we were given a referral to an ophthalmologist.  

you and julian messed around in the back of the car as we sat in the parking lot of the doctor's office while i tried to make an appointment ASAP!!  

i got an appointment immediately.  

they asked if i could be there within the hour.  

of course i could.

after a long wait, no lunch and finally getting into the back office, 

you literally kicked and screamed as the nurse tried to put the drops in to dilate your eyes.  

she had made the mistake of saying it might burn.  

i couldn't protect you.

we were all exhausted when the ophthalmologist came in to see you.  

after extensive tests he determined your vision in your right eye was 20/200.  

yep, that bad.   

he also said that you were primarily seeing out of your left eye 

and your brain was ignoring the blurred vision in your right eye.  

the scariest news that day was that up until the age of ten, you can retrain your brain to start using the vision in the affected eye, after that, the brain can not be retrained and vision is lost for good in the affected eye.  it still gives me chills thinking about that.  

i wanted to cry. (i think a tear or two did fall).  

he was very positive and reassuring, though, and promised you would be just fine with glasses.

i didn't mind the idea of glasses at all, but my heart was broken for you.  

i was upset that it had taken us this long to figure it out.  

i felt like a terrible mom.  

seven years!! 

i thought back on the many times you had said your eyes were tired when we you were working on your homework and i had blown it off as you not wanting to do your homework.  

i thought back on how i just couldn't comprehend how you did not love to read...you hated reading.  the doctor had even said that it is very difficult to read because your eyes go back and forth on a page and when you are only using vision from one eye that can be very straining on the good eye.

as we left the appointment, you were in way better spirits than myself.  

you were excited about getting glasses.  

oh, my girl, i can't tell you enough how much i love you for that.  

if you would have been sad and upset about getting glasses, i don't think i would have been able to handle it that day.  

i just kept stirring the 'what if's' around in my mind.  

i never would have been able to forgive myself if you had ended up blind in one eye.

i called daddy on the way home and cried.

two months later, i can now look back and laugh a little at how upset i was that day.  you are such a beautiful girl inside and out, with or without glasses.  i let you pick out your own frames and you picked such a cute pair.  they suit you.  nowadays when you don't have your glasses on, it definitely looks like something is missing.  they really do suit you well.

today is your follow-up appointment with the ophthalmologist...i'm praying for good news that the vision in your right eye has improved (with the glasses on, of course).  he said it takes a while for your brain to start using your eye again.

on being a mom...

i know, i am way behind with mother's day posts, 

but one of the reasons why i blog is to document our life.  

looking back and reading my thoughts years for now it won't matter that it was written after mother's day, right?

 so here are my thoughts on being a mom to an almost five year old boy and an almost seven year girl...

wow,  just writing that and thinking about my kiddos and their ages i am can hardly believe that this much time has passed.  

i am a mom.  i make lunches.  i give baths.  i referee fights.  i help with homework.  i plan birthday parties.  sometimes i stand back and look at my life and feel like my teenage self looking at my life. 

i don't feel old enough, or maybe a little more accurately, equipped enough to be caring for two almost school aged kids.

i remember feeling that way driving home from the hospital with ella.  

i remember wondering who thought it was ok for me to be taking a newborn home.  

with that thought in mind, i also remember being completely overwhelmed with

just how much that little life had already been knitted into my soul.

 today i think about this and that feeling has not changed.  

every emotion my kids feel, i feel it deep within me.  

their sadness digs deep within me and tears me apart...there joys and excitement fill my heart to overflowing.

being a mother really is an amazing roller coaster.  we have our good days and our bad days.  

we have great moments and terrible ones.

there are days i need a little break

but this privilege i have been given to raise my kids is my heart beat.  

i am so proud to be called the mama of ella and julian.

i love you, my sweet ones!

for the record...

this is my boy!

i love this one eye look so much...it's julian at this stage in his life...it's my 4 year old julian and his love for 'shooter guns'.  for some reason, his little wrinkled brow always reminds me of a puppy.  i'm so happy i captured it in this picture.  there are so many little things i don't want to forget.

the other day i was backing up some pics on my external hard drive and since i had it hooked up i couldn't pass up looking at some old pictures and movies.  julian and i sat and looked at picture after picture.  we started at his birth and went all the way through his toddler years.  two hours later, i found myself wanting another baby and realizing that there were so many little details that i had forgotten about.

this is why i love photography so much!!

so for the record, i have his one eye aiming look captured.

nicknames

just wanted to update on the riding skills of our little mister...J.R.

(there is a funny story behind that nickname that I will get to, but first...)

for all those concerned about this guy riding around on his sister's pink barbie bike

there is no longer a need for concern.  

it only took a few days of riding without training wheels before he did a little hop, hop, hop and took off on his own moto bike.

the picture above is exactly what he looks like when he is revving it up and getting started...

don't let that picture fool you, though, once he is on he rides like he has been riding for years.

he scares me a little

so here is the story behind the nickname, J. R.

this is a picture of my sweet sweet grandma Adeline and J.R.

Julian's first christmas she sent us a christmas card addressed to Andy, myself, Ella and Ruben

...uh, who?

well, maybe my grandma was just writing out a bunch of cards and had a little misprint or something,

i thought.  

i showed Andy, we laughed.

a couple things about my grandma...she is completely with it, no dementia going on...at all

secondly, i see my grandparents pretty much every week.

Julian was born in june and by the time christmas rolled around, she had seen Julian A LOT!!

 so the next time i saw my grandma was at christmas dinner.

we hugged, we kissed, and with Julian in my arms, 

i casually tried to ask who she had addressed my card to.

she was a little puzzled but answered, well to Andy, you, Ella and Ruben, she said as she pointed to my little chunk-a-monk Julian.

i don't think i had laughed that hard in a really long time.  

i was actually really surprised that she really thought my little mister was named Ruben all that time.  

our whole family had a good laugh that day.

(gramps and JR doing their deal...eating cookies)

after that my grandpa called him J.R. for Julian Ruben and it just stuck.

my grandma to this day laughs so hard every time we talk about that story and to this day i don't think my grandpa has ever called Julian anything other than J.R.

i love it.

i love that julian got that nickname from my grandparents...it's a part of who he is today.

i thought about that nickname as i was loading these pictures because i had labeled this group of pictures J.R. on his bike...

well in this group of pictures there are of course some of my sweet girl

 and when i got to this picture

 i couldn't help but think about one of her nicknames...PELF

 Ella is quirky and is constantly doing things that are just a little bizarre.

she has such a great sense of humor and is always making me and everyone around her laugh.

she often gets herself into trouble, though, because of her impulsive behavior.

watching pippi a while back i constantly found myself thinking how similar ella was to her.  

i started calling her pippi whenever she was doing something kind of crazy like pippi.  

well around that same time the kids watched elf and ella pointed out that she was kind of like elf...so she nicknamed herself pippi and elf... PELF.
ha, see what i mean.

i love that she is different.

i see her with her friends at school and she is definitely not trying to copy other kids to fit in.  

she loves wolves, not hello kitty

and she isn't afraid to say so

i hope she continues to be just who she is as she gets older.

i just need to figure out how to help her think about her decisions and not just act on a whim.

 motoman is another nickname of julians.

he LOVES motos!!

i'm afraid this little scratch is just the beginning for this motoman.

I smiled...

 the other day I was busy inside and I heard the motorcycle start up.  

when you have a husband who builds cars and motorcycles and pieces rare rusted parts together with handmade pieces into a machine that actually starts up and runs, 

it is a BIG deal 

when you hear one start up.

I rushed outside and Andy was already down the street, 

the kids were jumping on bikes and scooters and shouting excitedly about the 'moto' and daddy
and that was about all that I caught as I watched them rush after their daddy.

I smiled...

I smiled at their excitement

I smiled because not only was the motorcycle running

but Andy was also riding it

I smiled at the way our kids wanted to follow their daddy

I smiled at the wild bunch we must look like to our neighbors

I smiled as I ran in to get my camera

 Andy is one of the most modest people I know when it comes to his talents.

he is pretty incredible.

(sorry babe I know I'm embarrassing you right now but hey, you are pretty incredible.)

I love watching the cars and motorcycles take shape as he builds them.

I'm always amazed that the pieces that arrive at our house in various boxes can be pieced together and fabricated to make a something so beautiful when it's completed.

 more than this, I love watching the way our kiddos love their daddy.

I love this picture of Ella imitating what her daddy is doing. 

melt my heart!

I love that Andy has a special way of connecting to each of our babies

 when I am completely clashing with them.

he has a way of making them laugh when they were just on the verge of tears.

I pray for Ella and Julian and who they will become as adults.

my biggest prayer for them is that they will know their God and His unconditional love for them.

I'm happy to have Andy by my side raising our babies
into the beautiful people God intended them to be.

I'm thankful that even though we are not perfect parents,
we have a God who's love is perfect and complete.

my heart is heavy...

Yikes, I love that smile so much!

I have had such a heaviness ever since the start of this year thinking about this boy.  

He will be starting school in the fall and although it is months away, it is already coming way too fast for me.  

I'm dreading it.

It makes me want to just hold him and never let go when I think about it.

He is my little shadow and helper.

He makes me laugh.

We have so many amazing adventures together.

I realized once Ella started school just how much of the day she is away 

and I miss her every day.

Some days are hard when I am trying to get things done and he wants my attention, 

but I want to enjoy every day I have with him.  

They really do grow up way too fast.

I love you my sweet little mister!!

love his heart

most people in the world do not live the way we do here.
we have traveled enough to see first hand the conditions some people live in.
it's heart breaking...it's shocking...it's unforgettable...

we are so fortunate...
returning from trips i always feel so torn...thankful for what we have yet all we have just feels like too much in comparison.

we have tried to raise our kids with this awareness.
it is frustrating to hear the kids complain about food or what clothes they are going to wear.  we try to remind them of those who don't have a choice of what they are going to wear or what they are going to eat.
it's always a good reminder for myself.

most of the time i feel like the kids just don't understand, they don't get it.

there are times when they pray for our two kiddos, sandine and claudine, who we support in africa.  they pray for their safety, for them to have food or that they will have a warm bed and i think, maybe they do understand.  

sometimes they remember some of the kids they have seen first hand on our travels.

sometimes i hear them reminding each other not to complain.

this weekend we were driving and came to a stop where there was a homeless man with a little dog and  a sign asking for food.  he was very disheveled.  he was on julian's side of the car.  as we were pulling up to the light, i pointed out the man to julian and told him he probably doesn't have a home.  i saw him glance over and then he just kept staring at me.  i tried to use it as a time to remind both the kids about how fortunate we are and to be thankful.

i saw julian's chin begin to quiver and his eyes start to tear up.  uh oh.  i told him it was okay, we could pray for the man.  i saw him try to give a quick smile to stop his tears.  it didn't help.  big alligator tears came rolling down his cheeks.  i tried to hold his hand and help him talk about what he was feeling.  he felt sad for the man.  the tears didn't stop...he was sobbing.
at this point i started crying.
i love this little guys heart.
i wasn't happy to see him crying but i was happy to see how sensitive he was to this stranger.  

he couldn't explain any further about why he was crying, but i knew exactly what he was feeling.

later as andy and i talked about what happened, it made us realize that maybe they do get it...a lot more than what we realize.

i hope his heart for others never changes.

we have been trying to think of ways to help those in need here in our own community, other than just donating items.  i want to do be able to do something physically with the kids.  it will not only be good for the kids but also for myself.

i want to make just a small goal to start.
do something with the kids for others in our community once a month.

i think we can do it.

relax and enjoy!!

i had good intentions of making a nice list of all that i have to be thankful for but i will just say what ella said this morning...

i'm thankful for the whole world and ummmm...my family!!

some days are hard...

some days are really really hard as a mom.

some days everything the kids do frustrates me...i know my patience is wearing thin, the day is coming to a close, but bedtime couldn't be soon enough and i try to to remind myself that i need a little more patience, a little more grace, a little more love in my words...but ahhhh!!  sometimes i feel like screaming and some days my volume creeps up...but how can i teach them about self control when some days i obviously haven't quite learned this lesson.  the never ending arguing and whining is just about enough to drive me crazy.  i pray for patience, wisdom, grace, love, compassion and anything else that will help me get to the end of the day.  

today was one of those days.  ella was tired.  everything and anything brought about the dramatic flow of tears.  i was a little more on edge today.  i was frustrated and feeling like a complete failure as a mom.  out of nowhere i tried a little something different.  i had wisdom not of myself.  i had grace and compassion for a frustrated little girl.  my prayers were answered in such an obvious way.  God gave me the patience and compassion to hear a little heart out and that was all she needed.  she needed to be heard.  we talked and hugged and everything wasn't perfect but God's presence was there.  

i sat here looking for a picture to throw in and i looked at these little faces and my heart swelled. 

these guys are my heart, my love, my joy...

tomorrow is a new day and i'm trusting God to equip me with what i need to raise these little ones that He has entrusted to me.

I carry him...

photo taken by ella

there isn't a day that goes by

 without this sweet boy reaching up

 and asking me to carry him.  

most of the time i can't. either my arms are full of all the things a mom must carry or else i am just physically not up for carrying this big boy.  

he is a big boy...

a big solid boy. 

my neck and my back feel every ounce of him.

but there are those times that i can.  

i carry him. 

his eyes light up and that gap toothed smile spreads across his face and my arms gather him up with ease.  he almost always lays his head on my shoulder even if it is just for a second.  he snuggles into my neck.  

i carry him.

there will be a day when he doesn't raise those little arms up to me anymore.

the wild youth

 our fall weather has disappeared on us again. 

 boots or flip flops? 

 yesderday was a flip flop day.  no rain, no clouds, just warm buttery sunshine.

as much as i really want the fall weather to be here to stay, a sun filled day at the beach is one thing i can't get enough of.  i thought it was going to be a little chilly so i didn't even take swimsuits for the kids...they figured it out.

 luckily i did throw in the sunscreen at the last minute.

 they lathered themselves up and chanted in unison, 'ready, set, go' and that's exactly what they did.

their only stop was to create sand angels which were admired as they ran by to catch a ball.

i sat and soaked in the moment trying to remember every sound and smell that would help solidify the memory of these two wild children living their youth to the fullest.

 i was pulled from my thoughts and my warm sandy seat and we drew 'the world's largest face' in the sand, complete with a mustache and boogers.  man, these guys sure love talking about boogers.  

we made up our own games throwing the ball around and counting to 20.  i wasn't too sure of the rules, but somehow it worked. 

 i finally pulled myself away so that i could watch the endless running and jumping through my viewfinder.    

 eventually all clothes were tossed in the sand and real freedom was experienced.

there are so many days that go by and i know i wouldn't have remembered them if i hadn't had my camera in hand, but then there are others when i know that memory was burned into my heart...

yesterday was one of those days.